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Tyler Franklin

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[June 18, 2009 @ 4:24am]
 I'm sick of people that only wanna talk about their lives. I see it too often to let it bother me these days, but it's still annoying having to pretend to care.

Meanwhile, I'm not doing so good. Today has been worse than most. But the source of all my problems in my last relationship are clear to me now. It's all about communication, and we weren't very clear with one another. We both played little games when we were upset that consistently made things worse. It was stupid, and childish, and I take most of the blame for it. Either way, I'm glad that I'm finally able to change it. I was vaguely aware of the problem before, it tickled my ear, but now I've been punched in the face with it and it's allowed me to deal with it in a much more productive way. It's so simple and cliche, but the secret to a successful relationship really is communication.

And though I take the blame for a lot of the fights and lack of communication, it was her lack of communication in the end that finally doomed us. That, or my inability to hear her correctly. I'm sure she would insist that she made it very clear that she wanted a change in a major way, but it wasn't clear enough for me. Had she sat me down and told me exactly what she wanted and explained to me how much it meant, I'd like to think I would've supported her. But she never said it outright, she only hinted about it, saying things lie how much she hated Western. She never expressly stated that she wanted to transfer back to U of L. I'd like to think I would've supported her, and maybe I would've, maybe I wouldn't have, but I can safely say that after being punched in the face by the effects of not communicating I would have, with all certainty, supported any decision she made to make herself happy. I know this because I'm supporting her now, and she's not even with me anymore. If I can do that, then certainly I would've supported her if she were my girlfriend still.

I really do only want her to be happy. I'm just afraid she's going about it the wrong way. She made a smart decision in leaving Western and pursuing her dreams, but she's making poor decisions concerning those who care about her and those that do not.

I've also noted another reason why our relationship collapsed. We had grown too comfortable with one another. I take most of the blame for this, but we never did anything particularly exciting. I realized this when it ended and I realized that it was too soon, that we had so much more to do. We were to go to Cedar Point, we were to go to Six Flags and Hurricane Bay, we were to go to New Orleans and Maine, we were to go to Cave City and Kentucky Down Under and Mammoth Cave. We were to go back to Gatlinburg. We had so many plans that we let gather dust, because I was too comfortable eating and watching movies. Fucking movies. I can't even stand them anymore. I don't have the patience for stupid fictional characters getting in stupid fictional problems. I just don't care about them anymore. 

But I digress. I know that next time I'll be less concerned with expenses and more concerned about experiences. I wanted to do all of those things so badly, but I always pushed them away. I was always too afraid of spending too much money or something stupid like that. Faced with the kind of suicidal depression I've felt this week, I have a newfound appreciation for my ability to do things. Next time I'm in a relationship, I will do all of those things at any chance I get. I won't let those experiences slip by me again, I won't waste away watching movies and going out to eat. I'll go on adventures. I'll have life-changing experiences. After all, that's how Berkley and I fell in love in the first place. Adventures. Iroquois Park, Tyler Park, Gatlinburg, Patoka Lake... We did amazing things at regular places. We turned a car, an Eisley CD, and a park, into one of the most magical nights of my life. And yet we never did that again. Why not?

On a slightly related note, I really think Berkley and I should've gotten high towards the end there. I think she wanted to, and I wouldn't have minded, but more importantly I think it would've really helped us. We were both too high strung and neither of us knew how to have fun anymore. We're old enough now to know how to use it responsibly, and I think we should've. I think that would've changed everything.

Kind of ironic, when you think about it.

I'm just not sure what to do anymore. At first I was ready to move on. I knew that she cheated on me and that she was neglecting me and I resented her and just wanted to get on with my life. Then I wanted to win her back. I realized that I loved her and I didn't want to throw away what we had just over a stupid kiss and a bad week. But now I don't know what to do. It's not a stupid kiss anymore, she's sleeping with him and dating him, and she's still neglecting me to a degree. I sent her a text today that took up five full messages (I had to cut it down from six) and she responded with only two words. I've done nothing but sit in bed and think for an entire week, I've learned a lot. I know for a fact that with all my newfound insight I'd be able to make her happy again, happy in ways that I hadn't made her in years, and in ways that Brandon couldn't make her in years. But I don't know whether she'd be able to make me happy. Not because of any differences we may have. Not because of her desire to tan or drink or club or whatever. I'm fine with all of that now, my pain scale has been expanded to feel so much more sadness that things like that are too tiny to even matter anymore. I'm just not sure that she'd be able to make me happy, because she doesn't seem to care about it as much as I do. I would've given anything for our relationship, even if it meant my life and my happiness. And yes, she was willing to give a lot too, she transferred to Western for God's sake. But towards the end, she didn't care enough to save us. She didn't talk to me about it. She did the opposite. She just moved on and did away with me, without even an explanation. That's not right. I know this because I love her and I care for her with all of my heart, and I would've never treated her like that. Nor would I have let a week go by with so little communication and concern for what may have happened to her. But because I love her and I wouldn't have done that, that means that since she has she must not love me or care for me with all of her heart. I hate to bring logic into this, but that's about all I've got these days.

If she cared as much as I do, she would try to fix it. I know it's not me. I've put all my cards on the table and offered her everything she's ever wanted. But instead, she's still choosing to remain mostly unresponsive. I've given her everything and she's still walking away. She can't care as much as I do, then, because I would never let her walk her away like that.
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Signing Out ('Till the Next Time) [June 14, 2009 @ 10:41pm]
Why do I feel like when I post here I'm talking to ghosts? I feel as if I'm writing a letter to a dead person. I suppose it's because I don't know anyone who uses this anymore. I look at my friends page when I'm depressed, and it's dozens upon dozens of entries in the community for Depression that I've joined sandwiching an entry from a girl that I haven't spoken to since middle school. She's the only one of my real friends that pops up here, the rest are just random members of a community.

I guess that's why I'm moving my blogging back over to Myspace. I tried the Livejournal thing again for a while, and I liked it. It was more discreet, like I was leaving little notes around the house instead of posting a sign on my front door. Of course, most of my entries over the past few months have been in the Depression community and not in my journal, but still... Now is not a time for me to scribble down my thoughts and feelings and hide them where I know no one will ever look. Now is a time to wear them on my sleeve, so that every friend that approaches me with a handshake will know exactly where I'm standing. I don't really know anyone who reads Myspace blogs either really, the only person that did has since been deleted from my friends list, but I'm not as desperate for attention to post on Facebook. Everyone checks Facebook, and I'm not trying to shout into anyone's face. Myspace may be more public than Livejournal, but it's still more discreet than Facebook.

All that being said, it's time for me to sign off. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye! 'Till the next time I need a place to let out my emotions while still keeping them private, au revoir!
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[June 13, 2009 @ 6:33pm]
I just don't fucking understand it. I understand if someone wants to break up, I GET THAT. But she didn't even want to speak to me. I cried and screamed and punched things and went BALLISTIC for 24 hours straight, and she didn't even care. She didn't even want to know what was wrong with me. She just ignored me and hung out with her friends. That is NOT okay. I am fucking through. I quit. Relationship, OVER. The last message I left her was with my house phone, because I'd already smashed my cell phone. I told her it was over and that I never want to see her again. I don't even want her to tell me WHY she acts this way, because there is NO excuse for it. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I call her in tears, gasping and sobbing, and tell her I need for her to talk to me, and she says no, she's with friends, and hangs up. I ask her what she's doing and who she's with and she refuses to answer. There is NO ONE she would be with and NOTHING she would be doing that could be any more important than what was happening with us right now. If she loved me, she would've talked to me. I told her that. She didn't. She obviously doesn't.

It just doesn't makee any fucking sense. We were so happy. Nothing happened to bring this about, we didn't fight or anything. We actually had one of the best nights we've ever had together. And then the next night she hung out with a guy she used to like, and then the next night I tried to hang out with her but she hung out with another guy she used to like, and then the next night I tried to hang out with her and she was getting drunk with her Aunt, whihc I'm sure now is a total lie anyway, and now today she won't even speak to me. It doesn't make any sense. We left on such a good note, and then this. Well fuck her. FUCK HER.

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Bookmarks & Communities [March 16, 2009 @ 3:00am]
 I joined a LiveJournal community today. Hopefully this will encourage me to use LJ more often. In order to increase the odds of this happening, I added LiveJournal to my bookmarks bar. This might not seem like much, but it is. This means that every time I get on my computer, after I check Facebook and Livedaily and Comic Book Movie (websites I check daily) and then IGN and Myspace (other websites I check less frequently, usually when I'm bored), I'll then check Livejournal. Just trust me, it's important. Unlike this entry. END.
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A Letter [February 08, 2009 @ 5:24am]
 Dear LiveJournal,

 I've cheated on you. I'm sorry. I said I'd come back, I said I'd be good, but I've been seeing Myspace blogs again... I can't help it, habit I guess. If it's any consolation, it was a private blog, so not even Myspace bloggers will read it. I'm sorry, I'll still come to you if I need a place to write for no reason.

With love,
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Change [January 20, 2009 @ 12:51pm]
 I am not a writer, nor a historian, nor do I have any real connection to or investment in the President of the United States of America outside of being a citizen of the country he holds office in. However, being a citizen of the United States of America now carries with it an importance that has not been seen since the nation was first born. That being said, I am here to discuss the events of today, January 20th, 2009. History was made today, no more than an hour ago. History that has been predicted, dreamt of, and strived for for centuries finally came to fruition today. What has for so long been an inspiration of hope for the future is now a monumental moment in our nation's history, one that will be taught to our children, our children's children, and our legacies many generations into the future. A new world was born today, and we are all citizens of it. For the first time since I was old enough to comprehend what being an American meant, I am proud to be one. I am proud to be an American. I am proud to be a human. I am proud to not only bear witness to this step in evolution of our nation and of the human race, but to experience it. Not only to witness it, but to feel it. The world will never be the same again. The past has become a foundation on which we can only build upon. The future, a horizon of limitless possibility. Anything can happen, but nobody knows exactly what will. The state of our people is unprecedented. Never before have we as a nation of brothers been so empowered. But where does this power come from? A man? A race? A country? No. This power comes from within ourselves, for we have proven to ourselves and to the rest of the world that WE ARE CAPABLE. And with that, we are empowered by a newfound confidence in ourselves and our brothers to act in the best interest of the future of humanity. It is this confidence that gives us our power, and it is this confidence that sparks the electric feeling that all Americans are feeling today. The man Barack Obama is only the light bulb that our confidence has lit, the symbol of our ability to act and improve upon our foundations. Today is not just his day, but ours as well. So congratulations America. We have finally fulfilled our potential. We admitted that we had a problem, the first step of recovery, and now we are standing up and taking the necessary actions to make America beautiful once more. I am proud to be an American once more, and I cannot thank you enough for that. God bless us.
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Chasing Dreams [January 20, 2009 @ 6:02am]
I'm sick of dreaming of being chased. When it first started happening I just wrote them off as nightmares, but now it's constant. Every night I wake up 3 or 4 times after having a completely original dream about being chased. Then I have to force myself to go back to sleep even though I'm feeling terribly anxious and know that as soon as I'm out I'll be chased by something entirely different this time. Maybe that's why I didn't sleep for three days, because on a subconscious level I knew what would happened. I never considered it, but who knows how the subconscious works. Either way, I've lost the joy of sleeping and I hate it. I hate waking up feeling scared and defeated, it is not a good way to start your day.
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Blargh pt. 2 [January 13, 2009 @ 5:04pm]
This is getting really pathetic. It's 5 PM and I'm in bed. I've been forcing myself to sleep all day to pass the time. Dreams are more entertaining than anything I could do here. I dreamt of death, mostly.  Brutal car accidents (five to be exact), tornados, serial killers... Also a dream about attempting to communicate with an Asian host family. And at the end of each dream I wake up, look at the time and realize that not enough of it has passed, so I go back to sleep. I don't know what I expect, I won't be sleeping for 9 days straight. I know at some point I won't be able to go back to sleep. I guess that's when I get on Livejournal and talk about my subconscious adventures.

Blargh. Now I guess I'll have to wait and see what adventures await me in a conscious state. Here's betting on none, cheers.
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Blargh [January 13, 2009 @ 8:36am]
This is a pointless entry. I'm writing out of boredom, not out of necessity. Be forewarned.

I wanna get *the fuck* back to Western. I've always loved Louisville, it's always been my home, but this Winter break it's been boring as FUCK. I'm doing NOTHING here, and the only prospect I have to look forward to is going back to Western where I'll be doing SOMETHING. When I get to WESTERN I'll start my workout plan, when I get to WESTERN I'll have work to do, when I get to WESTERN I'll get to see my friends. While I'm in LOUISVILLE, I'll sit in my room and write on Livejournal while watching some loser kid get Made into a ladies man on TV. I don't even have a fooking car. I literally CAN'T leave the house, even if I wanted to. Everything I can do in Louisville falls into two categories, read and watch. I can read The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay or I can watch another episode of Red Dwarf. I can read All Star Superman or I can watch Samurai III: Duel at Ganryu Island. I can read more issues of No Man's Land or I can watch more Birds of Prey. Read and watch, read and watch, waste away a'waste away, this town is fucking killing me! I woke up at 5 AM this morning after getting three hours of sleep, watched a couple episodes of Red Dwarf, and started cleaning my room. It is positively RIDICULOUS what little options I have here. But that's okay, because in the near future I'll go back to Western and I can start my exercise plan and I can work on educating myself and I can hang out with friends and blah blah blah blah blah. Meanwhile, what do I do? Suggestions, please, I'm desperately open to them.
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Livejournal is Dead [December 29, 2008 @ 8:08am]
It died quite some time ago, with the advent of Myspace and shortly afterwards Facebook. Blogs turned to bulletins turned to notes, each time losing more and more writers. What was the last meaningful thing you read in a Myspace bulletin? How many Facebook notes do you read in a week? And every so often I'll remember that it all started with Livejournal for me, and I'll come back here and look at my friends page to determine who still uses, and that number has dwindled down to only a handful of people that I can count on one hand. And it occurs to me, that the only people still writing on Livejournal are the people that have to, the ones that really have things to say. They might not be things to read, but they have something inside of them that they need to get out. I'm one of those people, and I always have been, but I've tried denying it for longer than I can remember. I hate the pretentious nature of blogging, as if by putting your life in a journal and exhibitting it to the world you're saying "Look at me, this is the world and I'm it's star!" I avoided that through all sorts of measures. I stopped using Livejournal, and when Myspace took over I limited my blogging, and when Facebook took over I refused to write personal notes. Now I've got nothing, nothing except that persistent desire to express my thoughts before they flood my brain to the point of inability. I have to write, but I denied myself all the outlets where I could write. Until I realized that Livejournal wasn't just an exhibit of emotion where young people contested who was deeper. Myspace and Facebook are, yes, and at a time Livejournal was too, but it's dwindled and suffered so much that the only people still here are those that absolutely require it. People like me.

And with that, I announce my intentions to return to Livejournal. Whether it'll last, who can say, but so long as I live and breathe I'll have things that I need to write, and no longer will I deny myself that ability out of fear of perception. And to kick off my return to Livejournal, I'll share two passages from Susanna Kaysen's The Camera My Mother Gave Me

Why I Am Opposed to Antidepressants

     Because I think depression has something to tell me
     Because often depression is an appropriate reaction.
     Because I am terrified of changing the functioning of my brain in any way.
     Because I believe that depression is "me," and that without it I would not be "me."
     Because I can't imagine my life without the time off I get from periodic depression.
     These are the typical idiotic reasons people give for not wanting to feel better. So in this respect, I am quite normal.

Untitled Excerpt

    Don't separate the mind from the body. Don't separate even character--you can't. Our unit of existence is a body, a physical, tangible, sensate entity with perceptions and reactions that express it and form it simultaneously.
     Disease is one of our languages. Doctors understand what disease has to say about itself. It's up to the person with the disease to understand what the disease has to say to her.
     My vagina keeps trying to get my attention. It has something important to say to me. I'm listening.
     I'm still listening.


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[April 09, 2006 @ 9:35pm]
I'm totally through with Livejournal guys, see ya
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Come ride with me, let's ride away [April 04, 2006 @ 9:16pm]

C'mon guys, meet me in the front, LET'S GO!

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Mary Kate! Mary Kate! [April 03, 2006 @ 12:30am]
I figured out all the details. Check it. The Crown Royal Festival, Thursday May 4th. Churchill Downs, it's a bunch of horse races, the day before the Oaks. It only costs $2 to get in. Inbetween races, down on the field, musical entertainment by Better Than Ezra and The Violent Femmes. How freakin sweet is that! I mean, the past two times I saw Violent Femmes it was free, so it's gonna take me a while to come to terms with paying all that money to see them, and the past two shows Better Than Ezra has played here at Fourth Street Live were free too... But ya know, I think I might start saving up now and swing it. The only problem is that it's on a school day, and the festivities begin at noon. It'll be a white day, if you wanna skip and go early, or you can just wait until after school. We're off the next day, so it doesn't really matter how late it goes. Just lemme know what you wanna do, and I can take the car to school that day and provide rides if you wanna go after school or cut, it's up to you.
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[April 02, 2006 @ 11:50pm]
I did something amazing last night. There were SIX spectacular concerts in the area, that's a record number right there, SIX in one night. And I didn't go to a single one. Amazing...

Buckethead and Freekbass at the Southgate House.
Gito Gito Hustler and The Spunks at the Viper Room.
Ultra Cutez and Button*Masher at Trisha's house.
Ayin and some others at Nelligan Hall.
Magnolia Electric Co., Destroyer, and Scott Carney at Uncle P's.
DJ Qbert at the Main Street Lounge.

I just took a couple naps and went to Evan's. Sweet eh? Such self-control...
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[April 01, 2006 @ 12:47pm]
I think I'm gonna start watching So NoTORIous, that new VH1 show about Tori Spelling. I mean, I have no idea who Tori Spelling is, but their commercials have the best music. First, they played Morningwood's Nth Degree, and now their latest commercial has, get this, STARS. Yup, surprising eh? I'll never actually watch it, but I will enjoy their commercials.
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[March 30, 2006 @ 10:28pm]
Today was pretty much the bestest day ever. I drove Meagan to school, but not after eating McDonalds with her (sorry MK, her request)/ First period, aced a precalc test, second period, slept in study hall, third period, had Mr. Cook for german, fourth period, bombed a Fred test in 20 minutes and then slept the rest of the time. Oh, and I had a balloon. A balloon that I loved more than any other inanimate object in the past month probably. It was such a lovely balloon, not to sound silly, but I really bonded with it.... Anywho, after school I took Alaina and Meagan and went to Max and Erma's to eat and had a lovely ol' time. Then I dropped Meagan off at Steak N Shake while Alaina and I went to Gamestop. Went back to Steak N Shake to get Meg and got to see Brian in his uber geeky uniform. Check it, ain't he cute?

Went to Half Price Books and found three amazing deals. The Count of Monte Cristo movie was on the clearance bin, so I picked that up for four bucks. Phantom of Inferno, which is a really interest choose-your-own-adventure anime of sorts that I've wanted for about three years they had brand ne for 6 bucks. Which is amazing, cuz the cheapest I've ever seen it is used at B&ME for 20 bucks. So I got those, and I got Alex Garland's The Beach for only three bucks. So, two movies and a book for about 13 bucks, you can't beat that. Sooo, then we took Alaina back to her house, got to show Meagan her room and little sister Isabelle. Then we visited her stables and saw her 2.5 horses, which was pretty sweet. And her mom asked us if we had read that one book that she's raising hell about, and when we said no she was like "Good... It's an evil, evil book.." and I guffawed on the inside. Afterwards Meg and I drove to my house and partied over here, partied over there, etc etc etc. Then I drove her home and came back, and here I am! Yay! I'm sure that didn't sound as fun as it was to you, but I know it was amazing, and Meagan knows it was amazing, and Alaina knows at least half of it was amazing, so that pretty much makes it amazing.

<3's for Meagan and Alaina. Aw hell, I'm in a good mood, <3's all around! 

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[March 29, 2006 @ 8:21pm]
Morningwood is everything a rock band should be. If I were to start a band, I would want it to be just like Morningwood, only that would be impossible, which is why I'm not in a band.

Eisley is everything a pop band should be, and I can't get enough of them, but that's a different story entirely.

I am so ready for spring break. This Spring Break for me is going to consist of lots and lots of socialization seperated by brief periods of boredom. I plan to spend a vast majority of my break with Evan and Alaina. And Batman. There will be lots of animated Batman.

Oh, and Bill Maher's coming to Whitney Hall. That'll be fun.
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[March 22, 2006 @ 8:32pm]
Today I bought the first season of Batman: The Animated Series, thus making today the official best day ever.

Check out this hot concert news. In addition to Violent Femmes playing some sort of Derby festival on the fourth, guess who else is supposedly playing? I'll give you a hint, it's the other 90's alternative band that always plays Fourth Street Live for free. Yup, Better Than Ezra. Some Louisville concert promoter really likes those two bands...

The first Waterfront Wednesday of the year has been announced! April 26 with Duncan Sheik, Robinella, and Martin Sexton! Pretty sweet neh?

Heh, The Roots are coming to Coyote's too.

But the most important thing here has to be the AAA Non-Commvention. This is an annual non-commercial radio convention being held at the Brown Theatre. The Kentucky Center put it up on it's site today for May 19th-20th. They haven't said anything else about it, but investigation has confirmed that Rachel Sage and The Accountants are both playing. Don't care about them? Me neither. But'cha know, in the past they have had people like The Flaming Lips, Ben Folds, Norah Jones, Los Lonely Boys, Sonic Youth, Patti Smith, Rufus Wainwright, Citizen Cope, Patty Griffin, Damien Rice, Paul Westerberg, and My Morning Jacket. Last year they had Matisyahu, pretty sweet neh? Anywho, I have found a press release from about a week ago listing Ralph Stanley, Umphrey's McGee, Calexico Keb' Mo', Robert Pollard, "and many more to be announced." Dunno exactly how expensive it'll be, unless you're a radio station, but it sounds promising. I'll keep you updated.
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[March 21, 2006 @ 5:12pm]
Concert updates for the day:

Train's coming to the Palace. Neat, but not $37 neat. For shame.

But who cares about Train when The Queers are coming to the Dame on May 5th? It's a Friday which means I'll probably. It's only five bucks and City Mouse is opening. It's 21+, so you know, but age restrictions couldn't keep me from The Queers.

Even more important than the Queers though, would have to be Violent Femmes. Now, I gotta be honest, I don't know how this is gonna work out. All I know is that Violent Femmes are playing Churchill Downs on May 4th, which is the same day as the "Festival," and two days before the Derby. I don't know exactly what this Derby festival is or how closely related this Violent Femmes show is, but tickets for the Festival are $270 apiece, so let's hope they're playing like, juuust outside the festival, instead of you know, background music for a bunch of rich bitches who don't really care about seeing them at all. I highly doubt that'd be the case, but you know.

Meanwhile, The Queers and Violent Femmes, that's hot.
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[March 20, 2006 @ 7:21pm]
Holy friggin crap, you wanna talk about a great collaboration? You all know Head Automatica's Dance Party Plus right? Great song, one of their best. What's one of the things that makes it so great? Well, obviously guest vocals from Tim Armstrong of Rancid and the Transplants. So let's review the recipe thus far. Daryl Palumbo from Glassjaw (the only loser of the bunch, but he still rules in Head Automatica, Tim Armstrong of Rancid and Transplants, and of course Dan the Automator of Gorillaz, Handsome Boy Modelling School, Deltron 3030, everything else that's great. Awesome right? But we all knew this.

Well check it.

I just found out that singing back-up vocals on that song, in addition to Daryl Palumbo, Tim Armstrong, and Dan the Automator, are freaking Stacy and Sherri DuPree from Eisley. HOLY CRAP.

Glassjaw + (Gorillaz + Deltron 3030) = Head Automatica
Head Automatica + (Rancid + Transplants) + EISLEY = Dance Party Plus
Dance Party Plus = The second coming.
All hail.
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