||[June 18, 2009 @ 4:24am]
I'm sick of people that only wanna talk about their lives. I see it too often to let it bother me these days, but it's still annoying having to pretend to care.
Meanwhile, I'm not doing so good. Today has been worse than most. But the source of all my problems in my last relationship are clear to me now. It's all about communication, and we weren't very clear with one another. We both played little games when we were upset that consistently made things worse. It was stupid, and childish, and I take most of the blame for it. Either way, I'm glad that I'm finally able to change it. I was vaguely aware of the problem before, it tickled my ear, but now I've been punched in the face with it and it's allowed me to deal with it in a much more productive way. It's so simple and cliche, but the secret to a successful relationship really is communication.
And though I take the blame for a lot of the fights and lack of communication, it was her lack of communication in the end that finally doomed us. That, or my inability to hear her correctly. I'm sure she would insist that she made it very clear that she wanted a change in a major way, but it wasn't clear enough for me. Had she sat me down and told me exactly what she wanted and explained to me how much it meant, I'd like to think I would've supported her. But she never said it outright, she only hinted about it, saying things lie how much she hated Western. She never expressly stated that she wanted to transfer back to U of L. I'd like to think I would've supported her, and maybe I would've, maybe I wouldn't have, but I can safely say that after being punched in the face by the effects of not communicating I would have, with all certainty, supported any decision she made to make herself happy. I know this because I'm supporting her now, and she's not even with me anymore. If I can do that, then certainly I would've supported her if she were my girlfriend still.
I really do only want her to be happy. I'm just afraid she's going about it the wrong way. She made a smart decision in leaving Western and pursuing her dreams, but she's making poor decisions concerning those who care about her and those that do not.
I've also noted another reason why our relationship collapsed. We had grown too comfortable with one another. I take most of the blame for this, but we never did anything particularly exciting. I realized this when it ended and I realized that it was too soon, that we had so much more to do. We were to go to Cedar Point, we were to go to Six Flags and Hurricane Bay, we were to go to New Orleans and Maine, we were to go to Cave City and Kentucky Down Under and Mammoth Cave. We were to go back to Gatlinburg. We had so many plans that we let gather dust, because I was too comfortable eating and watching movies. Fucking movies. I can't even stand them anymore. I don't have the patience for stupid fictional characters getting in stupid fictional problems. I just don't care about them anymore.
But I digress. I know that next time I'll be less concerned with expenses and more concerned about experiences. I wanted to do all of those things so badly, but I always pushed them away. I was always too afraid of spending too much money or something stupid like that. Faced with the kind of suicidal depression I've felt this week, I have a newfound appreciation for my ability to do things. Next time I'm in a relationship, I will do all of those things at any chance I get. I won't let those experiences slip by me again, I won't waste away watching movies and going out to eat. I'll go on adventures. I'll have life-changing experiences. After all, that's how Berkley and I fell in love in the first place. Adventures. Iroquois Park, Tyler Park, Gatlinburg, Patoka Lake... We did amazing things at regular places. We turned a car, an Eisley CD, and a park, into one of the most magical nights of my life. And yet we never did that again. Why not?
On a slightly related note, I really think Berkley and I should've gotten high towards the end there. I think she wanted to, and I wouldn't have minded, but more importantly I think it would've really helped us. We were both too high strung and neither of us knew how to have fun anymore. We're old enough now to know how to use it responsibly, and I think we should've. I think that would've changed everything.
Kind of ironic, when you think about it.
I'm just not sure what to do anymore. At first I was ready to move on. I knew that she cheated on me and that she was neglecting me and I resented her and just wanted to get on with my life. Then I wanted to win her back. I realized that I loved her and I didn't want to throw away what we had just over a stupid kiss and a bad week. But now I don't know what to do. It's not a stupid kiss anymore, she's sleeping with him and dating him, and she's still neglecting me to a degree. I sent her a text today that took up five full messages (I had to cut it down from six) and she responded with only two words. I've done nothing but sit in bed and think for an entire week, I've learned a lot. I know for a fact that with all my newfound insight I'd be able to make her happy again, happy in ways that I hadn't made her in years, and in ways that Brandon couldn't make her in years. But I don't know whether she'd be able to make me happy. Not because of any differences we may have. Not because of her desire to tan or drink or club or whatever. I'm fine with all of that now, my pain scale has been expanded to feel so much more sadness that things like that are too tiny to even matter anymore. I'm just not sure that she'd be able to make me happy, because she doesn't seem to care about it as much as I do. I would've given anything for our relationship, even if it meant my life and my happiness. And yes, she was willing to give a lot too, she transferred to Western for God's sake. But towards the end, she didn't care enough to save us. She didn't talk to me about it. She did the opposite. She just moved on and did away with me, without even an explanation. That's not right. I know this because I love her and I care for her with all of my heart, and I would've never treated her like that. Nor would I have let a week go by with so little communication and concern for what may have happened to her. But because I love her and I wouldn't have done that, that means that since she has she must not love me or care for me with all of her heart. I hate to bring logic into this, but that's about all I've got these days.
If she cared as much as I do, she would try to fix it. I know it's not me. I've put all my cards on the table and offered her everything she's ever wanted. But instead, she's still choosing to remain mostly unresponsive. I've given her everything and she's still walking away. She can't care as much as I do, then, because I would never let her walk her away like that.